Peace I Leave With You
A Story of Faith, Loss, and Finding Peace in Turmoil
Written by Rebecca Wright
My dad dealt with mental illness the majority of his life. I found out about it the summer between eighth and ninth grade. From then on, I knew suicide was a possibility for my dad, but it was always an abstract thought. He had been through several severe bouts of illness and had always come through on the other side.
In the summer of 2016, I was living away from my family, in the midwest. My dad came to visit and we took a motorcycle trip to Michigan. I realized my dad’s mental health was declining. While I knew things were serious, this was the worst his mental health had been, I felt hope my dad would pull through like he did every other time.
The next year was a rough one. Doctors were trying to get the proper medications and dosages, but it was a difficult process to balance benefits with side effects. Being so far away added to my stress and I was in a stressful job I hated. I felt like I should be able to do more for my family but often felt maxed out emotionally.
In the fall of 2016, I received an opportunity to provide volunteer service through my local church. While I was somewhat hesitant to take the opportunity because of the weekly time commitment, I felt the need to say yes.
I was surprised by how much God provided for me through that service opportunity. God was quick to show me His love and gentleness. He provided a way for me to feel successful. He provided a way for me to feel that I was contributing to a group. Most importantly, I felt a peace that I didn’t feel outside of that service. I was given rest from the burden of everyday life, just like Christ promises in Matthew, and it quickly became the highlight of my week. I was often reminded of the scripture in John:
“Peace I leave with you, my peace I give unto you: not as the world giveth, give I unto you. Let not your heart be troubled, neither let it be afraid.” John 14:27 KJV
I truly felt the peace of Christ during those five hours each week.
On Monday, May 1, 2017, I had a particularly hard day at work. My friend invited me to join her for a dinner at our church that evening. I thought it would be a great way to forget about the day and connect with friends, so I accepted her invitation.
Shortly after I got to the church building, I got a call from my sister. She and her husband were on their way to my parent’s house and asked that I pray for our parents because things weren’t looking good. This had become somewhat of a shorthand in our family. A prayer request for my dad meant his mental health was in a tough spot and he could use all the help he could get. My mom called me shortly after that and said paramedics were working on my dad, but weren’t having a lot of success. She didn’t give me many details in the phone call, but I knew my job was to pray.
After I hung up with my mom, I found a secluded classroom in the church building and knelt down to pray. Prayer felt like a last ditch effort to save my dad. As I was praying, it was becoming more and more clear that my dad had died. I continued to plead with God to raise my dad from the dead and keep him alive.
My mom called again about 20 minutes after her first phone call and said that my dad had passed away. I told her I had prayed really hard for a different outcome. She said she knew that and asked that I come home as soon as possible. After we hung up, I sat in the room and silently cried. I felt deep sadness for the loss of my dad. I also felt shock that it had happened. I couldn’t believe that my dad had passed away. After I was able to compose myself, my friend sat with me and talked me through the decisions I needed to make. It was helpful to have a friend there to talk me through decisions and remind me what I needed to do. My mind was in such shock I wasn’t able to think through a plan on my own. All I kept thinking was, “Dad is dead. He’s no longer alive. How does life move forward? My dad is dead. He’s no longer alive. What do I do now?”
The next day, I flew back to my hometown. When I got home, I realized that my dad had died by suicide. I remember as people were realizing what had happened, they started to come over to visit. They truly mourned with us. During that week I continued to feel the peace Christ promised in John. It was a peace that couldn’t have come from anywhere other than a divine source. Friends brought meals or had them delivered at the exact right moments. Other friends brought thoughtful care packages. My church leaders provided support through texts. John 14:27 continued to run through my mind:
“My peace I leave with you: not as the world giveth, give I unto you. Let not your heart be troubled, neither let it be afraid.”
Since the time of my dad’s passing, I have often reflected on that year. I hadn’t been consistent at personal worship but God gave me a way to connect with him through service. I was able to show up and feel of His love and peace. While it was an incredibly challenging and difficult year, I felt God freely give me His peace.
Life without my dad is challenging. I feel his absence regularly. As life has continued to move forward, I have held onto the promise in John that I don’t have to let my heart be afraid or worried because Christ will continue to freely offer His peace. I have seen God give me opportunities at the exact right time that have helped me continue to move forward. While I still wish my dad was here to see where my life has taken me, I am grateful for the peace Christ continues to offer me on a regular basis.
