The Light That Makes Me Whole

A Story of Faith: Christ's Light Healing Wounds of Abuse, written anonymously

Photographs by Kati Ellis

* Please be advised: The following story contains references to sexual assault

Then spake Jesus again unto them, saying, I am the light of the world: he that followeth me shall not walk in darkness, but shall have the light of life. (John 8:12 KJV)

When I was 16, I started having flashbacks that my biological dad sexually assaulted me when I was very young. I remember praying to God and pleading, “If these thoughts in my head are not real, please just take them away.” The memories did not go away, but I tried as best as I could to lock them up until I was 24. Eventually my body and mind could no longer suppress my trauma.

I started going to therapy for anxiety, hoping I could still suppress my memories. I told the therapist that I experienced some sort of panic attack where I was detached from my body and surroundings. I now know that what I was experiencing is called dissociation and depersonalization – PTSD symptoms which first occur during a traumatic event as a way to protect the brain and body to make the event less scary. After the trauma, when triggers arise, your body and mind think it's being attacked and so it responds the same way it did when the trauma occurred. 

One of these episodes happened a couple weeks after I got engaged to my husband. I was stressed about planning a wedding— it was a big life change—and my car had broken down. I started dissociating when I was driving home on a familiar road in a borrowed car. I looked at my hand and saw my engagement ring and thought, “Who am I getting married to? How do I get home? I feel lost.” 

One night, a few years later, I was trying to decide if I should open up about my abuse when I had the impression to read the scripture Luke 8:17: 

“For nothing is secret, that shall not be made manifest; neither anything hid, that shall not be known and come abroad.” 

The next day, I said a silent prayer at my dining table, asking for courage. By the time I finished my prayer, I knew I needed to call my mom immediately and see when she was available to speak in person. I needed to  share with her the thoughts and feelings I had been suppressing for decades. 

After I told my mom, step dad, and husband, I felt completely supported and believed. And that was the beginning of my healing journey. My mom asked my aunts to pray for me, and I could feel my burdens being lifted. I was able to press on and find strength and motivation to acknowledge the unresolved pain I had been carrying and begin healing. Because of this experience, God taught me to look at prayer differently. I truly believe in prayer and that it is powerful when individuals come together and pray with intention.

I went to a new therapist who was well trained in an evidence based approach for healing trauma called EMDR. EMDR was a blessing for me and gave me the emotional energy and strength for the next steps in my journey.

I have learned over the years that one way I receive revelation is feeling an undeniable sense of knowing what I should do, especially when things are out of my comfort zone. I knew from the Holy Spirit that I would find tremendous healing in group therapy; I still felt alone, and I needed to connect with people who also experienced childhood trauma. I don’t think it was by chance that a leader in my church helped start a charitable foundation for the benefit of Adult Female Survivors of Childhood Sexual Abuse. In addition to this, my mom’s good friend and someone I knew and trusted was a Nurse at the Saprea Retreats in Utah, which provides services to Survivors at no cost. Women come from all over the country to attend. It was a blessing to have my mom’s friend working there while I was attending if I needed anything. It was incredibly healing to share my story at the retreat. When telling people my story, other's compassion helped me heal my inner child. 

On the contrary, when people are not supportive, or when my abuser denies my abuse, it is devastating to my inner child.Because my dad continued to deny his guilt, I was advised by my trauma therapist that if I wanted to truly heal, I needed to set boundaries and cut off my relationship with him.

For many years, I sacrificed myself, my happiness, and my emotional safety for my dad's comfort by not walking away. This is not what God wants us to do, and it is not what Christ did. Jesus had boundaries. He walked away or let others walk away for various reasons a total of 41 times in the Bible. He respected others boundaries and had strong boundaries himself.

After enduring verbal abuse from my dad and several attempts telling him not to contact me again, I told him that I had enough evidence that I could file a restraining order if he did something like this again. I haven't heard from him in over three years. He has never admitted to what he did to me.

I have conflicting feelings. I do have that undeniable feeling from the spirit that the boundary I set with my dad was the right choice. At the same time, I grieve that I don't have a beautiful father-daughter relationship—but I don't think that was ever in the cards after the choice he made. I can see now how much healing has taken place while not being in contact with my dad. Before my healing began, I let so few people into my life, but the Lord has helped me build trust and confidence.

As part of my healing journey, I’ve discovered the practice of Kintsugi. Kintsugi is the Japanese art of putting broken pottery pieces back together with gold glue, transforming the dish into something even more beautiful because it has been broken. 

I felt broken like the pieces of pottery. I found it difficult to figure out what pieces to put together first. It was impossible for me to put back the pieces alone; I needed the “gold glue”. I needed help from the Lord. 

God answers prayers, He sent me angels who were therapists and family, and He sent me a prompting to get on medication. He sent me just what I needed to heal, one day at a time, one piece at a time. I have learned to have compassion for victims of other people's actions and that Christ personally gave me the beautiful gift of His Atonement to lift my burdens.

It has been said that the bond of the gold glue will make the cup much stronger than it was before it was broken. If it were to break again, it would break in different places. We are stronger because of our trials. 

As I did my own practice of Kintsugi, I found my pottery could not be completely repaired. It shattered into a million pieces, and there is still a hole in the cup. That hole represents the pains I still have today, but as I hold it up, I can see there is light shining through the empty spaces.

I have had to relearn what forgiveness means. We often hear, “Forgive and Forget”. Do I let my abuser back into my life and tell him I forgive him? I have to remind myself, through study, that forgiveness takes many forms. It means finding peace, letting go of anger, revenge, and bitterness. It is going to be a lifelong process. I have finally come to a place where the anger, bitterness and resentment have lessened and I can look at good memories, but the boundaries I have in place by walking away have allowed me to have a tremendous amount of healing.

Christ is the light that has been with us since the beginning. Christ is the light that makes me whole again through His sacrifice. He is the light that guides me in the direction I should go. He is the light that is with me always. And that light fills all the holes in my heart that have not yet healed.

“Christ’s atonement is not just for repentance and forgiveness, but it is also for compassion, understanding, and empathy. It sustains the scale of difference in circumstances, life experiences, and paradigms. It validates mental and emotional trauma. It understands specific life plans and obstacles, and it encircles every single one of God's children, whether they want it or not. It sees all of the wounds and all of the colors.”- Excerpt from Christ Lives in the Grey by Kenzie Komenda

In the Bible Christ calls His children by name and tells us to fear not for He has redeemed us. (Isaiah 43:1) 

I know that Christ has done this for me personally. I’ve been guided to find remedies that have helped and blessed me. But more than anything the atonement LIFTED me and took my remaining pains and heaviness.

I've heard the phrase, “God doesn't give us trials that are more than we can handle,” and I would have to disagree with that. I don't think God gives us specific trials, I don't think He planned what happened to me as a child. I think it is His plan of mortality and free choice. And I believe that the trials of life are often MUCH more than we can handle… by ourselves. 

Through it all, I believe we are here to learn to rely on Him.

_____
Note:

*Sexual abuse is pervasive. 1 in every 4 females from birth -18 are sexually abused. 1 in 6 for boys. Children report knowing the abuser in 91% of cases. Many never speak of their abuse in their lifetime. 85% of childhood abuse victims never report their abuse to the law.

For resources to prevent or heal from childhood sexual abuse, visit https://saprea.org